Crowd Pleaser or God Pleaser?

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That not everyone will like me makes me sad. For any of you who are people pleasers, this makes you sad, too, unless you are under the misguided impression that you are the exception. Let me burst your bubble: you aren’t. It sucks, I know, because we spend so much energy trying to make everyone happy and it is a slap in the face when we fail. Jesus said in Mark 8:36, “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?” I always thought he was talking about money in … [Read more...]

I heart.

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I have not always had the ability to accept love. I can remember as an adult, wanting so badly to know that feeling that comes so naturally in relationships, whether romantic or platonic. I wanted to be part of the dance that seemed to waltz itself in and out of happy lives. The reciprocal, relational tug of war was something that I lived vicariously through. Exceedingly cheerless. Stiflingly lonely. There I stood, on the lip of authentic friendship, nose-pressed to breath-fogged … [Read more...]

Rectangular Apple

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Our dog, George, leaped out of the litter box (made out of a large plastic tote so she couldn’t get in) and ran over to me excitedly, like she’d just done something great. Her nose was gray from the litter dust and she wanted to kiss me. I said mean things to her, including calling her an imbecile and threatening to give her to the pound. She wagged her tail and followed me around because she doesn’t understand English and finally I gave in and petted her, because really, what’s the point of … [Read more...]

Souled Out

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I’m ashamed to admit this, but I desire a better car. And a bigger house. And more money. And another baby. I wish I had better clothes, and an impressive job, and whiter teeth. There are days that I spend trying to attain those things (Well, not the baby. That’s weird). Whole days wasted, swallowed up by discontent and envy; whole days vanish before my eyes as I set my sights for bigger, better and more. So many precious hours have become meaningless in this pursuit of the temporal driven by … [Read more...]

The School Supply Racket

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I woke up in a cold sweat the other night upon realizing somewhere in my unconscious mind that Addison will soon be a senior. I’m still in shock from when she started kindergarten. I should probably work through that. Time marches on. All of the old people said it would. I am now one of the old people and it’s true. There’s nothing we can do to stop the process of our children growing up. Some days I’m glad they grow up, because that means one day they will be out. Other days I want to freeze … [Read more...]

We So Poor, We Had to Put a Happy Meal on Layaway…..

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Last year, (2013) God began speaking to my heart about quitting my job. At first, it was like being pelted with rain drops, until after continuously second-guessing this urging, became like bricks to the chest. So, after my stubborn confusion transformed into a decision to step in faith, I put in my notice and suddenly I became stay-at-home mom. This was February 2014. Things were really good, at first. I was resting and recovering from 9 years in the field of social work and addictions. I was … [Read more...]

Behind the Smile

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I’m so righteous when I drive. I listen to Christian radio and sing along. Sometimes I even become emotionally moved by the words. I mean, I need a halo or wings or something in recognition of my superior spirituality. Until someone cuts me off or goes too slow. Then the halo goes flying off and the unholy words go flying out. Can you relate? Sometimes I think if I listen to or read spiritual words somehow I’ll absorb holiness. If only it worked that way – I’d be Mother Teresa. It’s time for … [Read more...]

“Dear God: We Don’t Eat Our Friends”

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9 years ago today, Aubrey Elizabeth June came into the world screaming, her tiny red face clearly unhappy about her current circumstances. Her unhappiness was still evident 4 hours later. Nothing I did could make her stop crying. I contemplated sending her back, but it was not allowed, so I rocked her and prayed for hearing loss. It wasn’t until her siblings came in, all adorable in their “I’m a big sister/brother” t-shirts, and crowded around her bassinet that she stopped crying. They poked her … [Read more...]

Anatomy 101

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When I was growing up, I got one speech about periods. I don't even remember what it was except that it was exceedingly uncomfortable and obviously awkward for my mom. The same went with the sex talk. And, Lord help me, I vaguely remember her mentioning something about condoms, but I'm sure I've tucked that convo in the deep recesses of my brain, forever buried with no intention to excavate. Moms are smart, too. These embarrassing discussions always seem to happen in cars. I suppose because the … [Read more...]

Stop Eating My Cottonballs

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I just downloaded a Pinterest app. I thought it would be a nice reminder of how woefully inadequate I am; this website is the epitome of “If I was a different person, I could totally do that”. There are some brilliant ideas that sometimes work out for other people, so it’s useful on some level I’m sure. In an effort to try to save money, I entertained the idea of making Aubrey’s unicorn birthday cake, hence Pinterest, but alas, if you know me, you know I am simply not wired to be a cake … [Read more...]